As if first dates weren’t awkward enough, things only get worse when the bill arrives. If you’re lucky, the waiter will put the check right in the middle of the table, and as the two of you reach for it at the same time, your sweaty palms accidentally touch. You look briefly into each others eyes and then … (awkward silence).
Now the mood is set for the two of you to tackle one of life’s greatest mysteries — who should pay for a date?
The possibilities are endless:
- The guy
- The girl
- Both pay equal amounts
- The person who initiated the date
- The person who makes more money
- The winner of a coin toss
- The winner of rock-paper-scissors (best 2 out of 3, at least)
- The loser of a staring contest
- And many, many more…
Call me a little old fashioned, but I’m a firm believer that the guy should pay for the first date. I always pay for everything on the first date or at least make an attempt to do so. For most part, this usually works out fine, but in this day and age, it can also backfire. Some girls may get offended when you try to pay the entire bill, making an already awkward situation even more uncomfortable.
Once you’ve been on a few dates, I think the rules change. As you get to know each other better, it makes more sense to split the bill or take turns covering the tab. From my experiences, this is what tends to naturally happen as you date someone longer, assuming you’re both in similar financial situations.
Who do you think should pay for the first date? What about the dates after that?
If you enjoyed this post, subscribe to my RSS feed or via email for free updates.
{ 1 trackback }
{ 35 comments… read them below or add one }
I have traditional tendencies, but when it comes to dating I’m a modern man. If the girl asks you out on the first date then the girl should pay. That being said, I would NEVER EVER EVER EVER make an assumption that the girl WOULD pay. She would have to insist on paying.
I’ll reach for the check and let her stop me. If she doesn’t no harm done, if she does I know there is a keep.
Of course I’m engaged now so this question may be best answered by those still playing the game.
The person who initiated the date should pay. That way, that person can choose a restaurant/entertainment according to what he/she can pay for. Then it’s still fair if they’re in different financial situations.
After dating a while, you might not really be initiating dates, you sort of have a standing weekend date. You should be comfortable enough to talk about it and figure something out.
Yeah whoever asks usually pays. Most good girls don’t want to make you broke. I notice girls don’t mind paying though.
I think a guy should pay on the first date, but after that it is totally up in the air. My bf and I rotate who pays depending on the circumstances.
Here’s my argument, if you pay for the date, aren’t you essentially buying her? Like paying for a service?
Always a tough one.
Personally I like to meet somewhere unintimidating first, like starbucks. Get to know each other and split the tab. If we go to the next step the person that initiates it (usually the guy) probably should probably pay but KEEP IT CHEAP! Like Tom says you don’t want to be buying her. When the bill arrives, let her know she can treat you next time.
Problems arise if a guy tries to “impress” a girl with a pricey date. This always backfires.
Whoever initiates the date should pay for any date, unless the couple works out something else ahead of time.
I agree that the person who initiates the date should also pay. It wouldn’t be fair to say, ask someone to dinner at an expensive restaurant and then expect them to pick up the check (unless of course it was discussed beforehand.) For instance, I recently dated a co-worker, and we were both laid off at the same time. I had a new job within the week, but he didn’t have as much luck. Now, I enjoy going out and eating good (sometimes expensive) food, and when I asked him to join me I usually paid.
Once a relationship has been established and dates become regular occurrences, I think it is fair to either split the check or take turns paying. This keeps everything balanced, and allows for one person to “treat” the other, out of turn, for special occasions.
Just being on a first date last week that I initiated, I paid for the date, but she offered to pay which I respected. I of course paid for it, but a girl should never automatically expect the guy to pay and take the date as a free meal. Also, we went for drinks after and the girl paid for the drinks since I paid for dinner which I thought was really cool of her as well. Girls, you win major points with a guy if you do.
Very interesting responses here! Call me old-fashioned, but I think the guy should pay on the first date, always. I’d never initiate a first date, so he’d be the one who asked, so you could also say I think the one who asks should pay.
But regardless, who pays or doesn’t pay is SO awkward because, no matter what I think, I don’t know what the guy does, and so I’m left guessing. One time, when I reached for the bill, he was offended – I don’t even know why I did it except that I thought he wanted me to? So weird and awkward, oh my word.
@ H Lee D, elle em
Who is usually that initiates the date? The guy so we go back to saying, the guy is buying love.
I mean look around, women are becoming more involved in the workplace, not relying on men to bring home the paycheque.
Why isn’t it 50/50? I mean are men here to support women, why can’t they support themselves?
Sure marriages are old fashioned, at least our parents, but look around now, things are changing.
The women is just as much of a person as a men.
I believe that its fairer for each person to pay the cost of their meal (to have separate cheques).
@tom:
Interesting assumptions.
I have initiated well over half of the dates I’ve ever been on (I also proposed to my now-husband). I don’t consider paying for a date “buying love” – it’s buying entertainment (or food, which is a form of entertainment) while you’re spending time with a person you’d like to get to know more.
I always pay on the first, but at least attempt to reach for the check on the next one before I take care of it.
Maybe everyone is different but for me its got to be like 50/50 one way or another.
But really what excuse is there that the other person can’t at least pay their share?
Excuse? There is no excuse needed.
I *like* to treat people. I do it with friends sometimes as well, whenever I have the means. Why not? It’s a nice gesture.
If it’s important to you to go 50/50, then date women who also always want to go 50/50. There are women of all types out there, much like there are men of all types.
I can’t say that I’ve ever really been on a “date.” I tend to hang out with guys as a friend, and then a relationship develops. And by that time, the guys always figure out that I’m so incredibly broke that… if we want to go out at all, he’s paying!
I don’t mean to be a big giant mooch, and I don’t think I am, really. Most of the time, we eat in, and I cook. Guys just have to understand that I literally do not have the money to go out most of the time.
Which is why I find general “rules of thumb” as to who should pay to be outdated (pun so not intended!). If it’s a real date, where neither person knows each other very well, they should each go into it prepared to pay for the whole thing, and then have flirtatious argument over who pays when the check comes. And neither person should take it too seriously – it doesn’t have to be symbolic of your entire future relationship.
Aside: we might take a cue from how same-sex dates handle the scenario. Since the old-fashioned rules completely don’t apply there… how do non-traditional couples handle the check?
Personally, I think the winner of a dance-off should pay.
Sorry, there were too many serious answers. I just had to break up the mood.
I’ve never been allowed to pay on a date. Sometimes my male coworkers won’t even let me pay when we go out for lunch, and I’m engaged!
My feeling is whoever asks should expect to pay, at least on the first date. You might not have to – I have always offered to pay my share – but you are asking that other person for the gift of their company. You’re cheap if you expect people to buy dinner at the restaurant you choose just because you want to hang out with them.
@ tom, I just disagree with everything you say. Your comments make you sound cheap and like you don’t get many second dates.
@Kristina Shouldn’t the loser of the dance-off have to pay?
@Broke Grad, you are probably right. However, since I am a dancer the winner would always be me and I would always pay, and if we went with the loser paying, then I would never pay. Hmmm…maybe I should pick a more level playing field option. How about…..the person who can’t do a handstand the longest (this doesn’t apply to gymnasts)? Might be awkward to do in a restaurant, but entertaining.
It’s been a long time since my first date with my girlfriend, but I always offer to pay on the first date. If she’s a keeper, then she’ll offer in turn to split the bill with you!
@tom is not far off!
I hope you see his point. I don’t think it is very fair that women demand equality but so many won’t when dating. If a girl is like this I think it is a very shallow quality.
Sure, to not buck the system I will pay the first date but I have been bleed down before by many girls that needed me to pay for everything because that is what their daddies did to show them love. That is really not right and if both couples make the same amount of $ taking turns paying for dates is perfectly acceptable and should be demanded.
I always offer and insist to pay my half; some guys have paid for the whole thing, and others have paid for their half. As for the whoever asked pays, well, I’m way too shy to ask so I don’t have that problem. I love to treat others, especially friends and family, and would love to do the same on a date; but most guys in my experience don’t like it if the girl picks up the whole tab. From what I’ve learned, there are two options: a)guys pays for the whole thing and b) 50/50. c)girls pays for the whole thing doesn’t happen.
For a longer relationship, it has been 50/50 most of the time, but also sometimes taking turns to treat the other I guess. After you have been together for at least a few months, you stop keeping track of every dollar.
I agree that you should not keep track of who pays. In fact it is the most comfortable when you are both offering to pay! Kind of a war of giving.
I think the reason why the guy pays for everything is because she has not insisted on it. Guys think that it makes them look bad but most would LOVE it if you paid. My favorite is when someone tells me they are going to buy me dinner tonight. Very nice… That way the awkward “who pays the bill” is avoided.
If the guy is paying every time the girl has a responsibility to break this cycle. He may be too afraid to say anything but deep down will feel taken advantage of.
Of course not all guys are this way!
As a guideline treat guys the same way you would another female friend. The guy will really appreciate it.
Luck has had it for me that the server almost always gives the check to the guy anyway!
In the past, I have offered to split it at that point, but no one has taken me up on my offer!
Yessir, guys always on first date then the rest is up in the air…although i would always offer first and hope the other half would split every now and then. There’s something unsettling about a chick who never offers…
The guy. Period.
Generally, the rule is whoever asks, as plenty of folks have said. I still generally either offer or try to pay for something else that night. Most guys seemed to appreciate the gesture of “I’m not just going out with you for a free meal.”
Especially in these hard times, I think the other party should at least offer to help with the tab.
I’m a traditional man and I have to agree with the author – the guy should always pay for the date regardless if the girl was the one who asked.
Tom-you talk about buying, but really what you are referring to in this situation is reciprocity. Reciprocal actions assume future reciprocal actions, but do not require them.
Also, I find the equality bit completely impossible (with regards to dating). Sure I give it a good shot, but relationships require so much self-LESS-ness that keeping score does no good.
Oh, and regarding this post, I also believe that whoever asks ’should’ pay for the date, meaning that is the correct thing to do.
i think whoever invites should pay.
when i ask a guy on a date, i expect to pay for both of us, but i appreciate him offering, because it shows respect and good manners, even though i wouldn’t take him up on it.
i invited, so i pay.
when a guy asks me on a date, i expect him to pay. i always offer to be polite, but would be very offended if he took me up on it. if he did take me up on it, i wouldn’t make an unpleasant scene in a restaurant or wherever, i would pay since i wouldn’t feel able to take back the offer i made, but i would never see him again.
he invited, he pays.
such a gentleman.
Honestly, this is all so confusing. I’ve gone out mostly with guys who insisted on paying for several dates, and with boyfriends, one who was way too broke to be paying for everything, but who was such a traditionalist, he got offended when I tried to pay for my own burrito, and one who made three times as much as me and loved eating out all the time, who, even when I tried to pay for something didn’t let me. At least where I live, if I were to go home and tell my friends (male or female) how a date went, if they knew that a guy accepted my offer to pay half, they would tell me to drop him. It’s happened before! It’s very confusing. I don’t have a lot of money right now, but I don’t feel like disclosing that on the first couple dates insisting that we go somewhere super cheap that I could afford. On the other hand, I think I’ve rarely asked a guy out, so if I did ask, then I believe I would pay. I do try to split it up, buy a guy a drink if we go out after dinner. I’m not a traditionalist, but if you are basically on the poverty line and a guy wants to take you out and they are doing better than you financially, then…I really think it’s nice to offer to pay something but I don’t think it means that the girl is a non-keeper if she doesn’t fight to pay the entire bill. If I were loaded, believe me, I would be happily paying equally, and treating also, but I still believe that the guys that I have gone out with would be offended if I tried to pay for the first date. If we could just all come with a sticker on our shirt explaining our view on money and who pays, first dates would be less awkward.
I went on a date this weekend just gone, it was teh first sate.
Being the guy es[ecially for the first date I think it’s right to pay and maybe a few times after. But once the relationship had been established then I would fully expect the girl to help out every now and again.
If I had to pay everysingle time I would not be impressed.