A couple days ago, I read an interesting post about How Asian Parents Influence Their Children’s Success by Baglady. Being a first generation Asian, I felt compelled to share my own opinion and experiences on the subject.
Basically the following are the only acceptable careers to our parents: doctor, lawyer, engineer, and financial professional/investment banker. Then my friend mimicked his mom’s accent and said that these were the only acceptable colleges, “STANFURD, HAHVARD, YALE, and MIT”. The whole room busted out laughing and then one guy said, “Well, I guess we’re all failures since we’re at Berkeley”. We may have hyper-stereotyped our parents, but it’s funny because most of what we concluded is true.
While I’d have to agree that what Baglady said is true for most Asians, my personal experience was completely different. My parents didn’t push me to pursue any of those careers. Instead, they really pushed me to play sports. I’m not sure if that’s better or worse. I was pretty good and probably would have been able to play in college, but that’s not what I wanted to do. The more they pushed, the more I didn’t want to do it.
Pretty much all of the Asian kids with first generation Asian parents I have met have felt pressure from their parents in choosing a college that may lead to a high paying career. I think this family enforced career selection may be one of the many reasons why Asian households have the highest average incomes in America. I think it makes sense that parents want their children to be successful, but a lot of Asian parents’ perception of success is very narrow and consists of a high GPA and then a high paying job. So many children are pushed to be doctors and engineers whether or not they like it. I have known several girls who were pushed into engineering and medicine only to despise their majors and found their coursework to be too difficult. Not everyone is meant to be an engineer or doctor, and some Asian parents do not seem understand that. I have also seen Asian parents that pushed their kids to succeed to the point of hurting them. For example, a girl I knew in high school was scolded by her parents on her graduation day for not being the Valedictorian. That is just very unnecessary and cruel.
I completely agree with feeling pressure from my parents to do what they wanted. However, I don’t think it’s unique to the Asian population. There’s probably just a higher percentage of Asian parents who pressure their children with these high expectations.
Cultural clashes occur between first generation Asian parents and American educated children because in America you are encouraged to think outside of the box, create, and be yourself, but in most of Asia you are expected to memorize, repeat, and obey. When Asian children step outside of the box of what their parents consider to be successful, conflicts arise and for the most part I think the parents are just worrying too much. For example, my second cousin was groomed by his dad to be a doctor and he went to an ivy, but he chose to major in photography instead. It didn’t please his dad at first, but now he is successful as a technical game artist. Generally people perform better in what they love to do, and people find success in all kinds of random things in America. I think it is much better to do what you’re passionate about than to go to a job you hate everyday. In fact, some of the pushy Asian parents really stunted their children’s success because when their children end up in a despised career they are usually lugubrious and do not care to excel in any manner. I have seen many examples of these engineers who absolutely hate what they do and want to get out everyday.
I’ve always found it difficult to relate to my parents culturally. I think it can be attributed to the fact that I know nothing about the culture they grew up in and vice versa. This reminds me of one of the dilemmas I’ve always faced as a first generation Asian. Am I supposed to be Asian? Am I supposed to be American? Why can’t I just be a little bit of both without getting weird looks from both sides?
Despite all the slightly negative stereotypes about first generation Asian parents in this article I do believe that like all parents they want the best for their children. The parents are right in wishing a good career on their children, but ultimately for their children to achieve success they need to learn to make decisions for themselves. It’s problematic that a lot of these parents do not take the time to understand their children’s strengths and preferences and just try to push their children into a mold of what is considered successful in the Asian community. It’s true that when we are young we are not absolutely sure what we want, and parental advice is always helpful but I think it is unnecessary for Asian parents to throw a ballistic fit when their children consider a career in fine arts. There are many ways to succeed, and parents are human beings who can make mistakes too.
I think this is great advice for any parents, not just Asian parents. Like I said before, I don’t think that these issues are unique to the Asian population, but perhaps they just occur more frequently within it. Learning to make decisions on our own is something that every person has to learn. As far as throwing a ballistic fit when their children choose something different, I think my mom said something along the lines of this when I told her I was considering a music degree in college, “We don’t need another music major in the family.”
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